With the fate of the United States hanging on the whims of a bunch of morons in Washington DC it looked like the safety and control of the Mark Twain National Forest might be turned over to the vigilantes from Team Seagal. Winging my way into St Louis I was assured the riding (and drinking) would be on a level that few men have experienced and a stalemate in DC would be only one thing – a free-for-all in the Ozarks.
Straight away I was whisked off to the Ritz Carlton where one Nico Toacani gave a warm greeting and in true MRC fashion immediately offered up a double espresso while our transportation was retrieved from the bowels of the earth. With ears tuned to NPR we waited with baited breath to learn our fate –a serious 12 hour race at Council Bluff or a 3 day party at the Enough Boat Launch.
Rather than pushing onward into the unknown we kept it close to home, making the final preparations and assembling bikes for the out of state celebrities coming in for the event (read that to mean The Dr and C-Dubbs). Satisfied that we had properly translated the assembly instructions and consumed enough beer to lubricate the rustiest of chains the assault vehicles were loaded and we headed out for a warm up at a great St Louis hotbed of mountain biking – Castlewood State Park (which the responsible politicians of big Mo had kept open – no doubt to keep riff raff such as our crew off the streets and away from unsuspecting MLIFs). Satisfied with the proficiency that the mechanics from Shark, TC Man and Trek had shown we set out first with some old school St Louis trails before taking it to the river and finally a spectacular ridge shot where the Dr was swept back to fond childhood mammaries from the bliss of a rope swing.
A Warm St Louis Welcome
With my tour guide Nico Toscani providing the deep history of the area (and this significant piece of StL graffiti)
and clarifying the rather liberal drinking laws of the region (thank you Anheuser Busch) the airwaves crackled with the news, Washington was in a state of chaos (nothing surprising or new there). Showing the type of precision that only the most highly trained special forces teams have, the boys at Team Seagal took to the world wide web (thanks for creating this Al Gore) and hoisted yet another non race flag – Bootlegger’s Burnin’.
Suddenly the engine roared, tires squealed and we plowed into the nearest beverage center to procure the required assortment of Missouri’s finest malted beverages to fuel a 2 day bender at the Bluff.
Unsure if the supplies on hand would meet the required standards for such a fine event we called on Coach to come by and do a random sampling and final can count. Having received the Crotch seal of approval we finalized the packing and then presented Coach with an incredibly rare Crank Brothers Penis Elongator to ensure a lifetime of happiness and happy endings.
From here it was off to the nearest local Mexican restaurant where the presentation included beers in quart size mugs, forearm sized burritos and a tropical pineapple nacho surprise for Coach. As we toasted the upcoming non race Senor Leg Tittay struck fear in the patrons of said establishment as he inhaled the entire burrito before some of us had put our mugs back on the table. Families with little children were seen scurrying for the door with fear in their eyes.
Serious Beer
Upon our departure this fine dispenser of beard doping products was put to heavy use by C-Dubbs in an attempt to acquire the proper amount of facial hair to be in the running for Mesa’s “Best Beard Doper of the Event” award. Alas despite a fine pirate fu man chu and several handlebars mustaches all was for naught as the blonde soul patch offered to Mrs. Toscani was a clear winner and any subsequent beard doping would be futile.
Back at the Toscani castle there was even moar beer drinking which led to discussions on the latest conspiracy theory sweeping StL – who exactly is responsible for all of those dominos and golf balls planted in the freshly laid asphalt of the beloved City of the Arch.
With birds in full song and Mrs Toscani out for a quick 11 mile run we celebrated the good Dr’s birthday with the ceremonial opening of the IPA to chase down the Rifman nuggets Mr Dubbs served up for a breakfast treat and then immediately set about on the most important mission of the trip – packing the coolers.
With Tittay’s Stromobile and the Toscani Toyota packed to the gills it was off on the most dangerous stretch of roadway in Missouri as we headed away from Dickey Bubb and into the bowels of the Ozark trails. After a fine 2 hour ride from DD30 parking lot and numerous social post ride beers we headed off to the land of the Enough boat launch where the word launch would be redefined in the coming hours.
With non racers pouring in the serious partying started prior to the sunset summit ride where our Sherpa Nico and Sherpa Lawman would be responsible for the festivities on the bluff.
With little to no desire to haul all that weight back down the Elevator our summit crew set about consuming all there was with Lawman and Sasha deciding to have a romantic sunset dinner.
Summit Social
Arriving at the base of the Elevator a few of us were turned around on directions and we had to translate the local trail maps and drink a couple of beers before we were sure on the direction to go.
Elevator Directional Signal
Back at the boat launch the opportunity for a guided night tour of Council Bluff was missed as Coach set out with the final markings for the morning’s event. Meanwhile back at the campground non racers were pulling out all of the stops to redefine the meaning of launch. Sitting around the campfire our Race Director without a race took the lead and in mid sentence turned to the left, projectile vomited, turned back and took a long pull from his beer – a true champion in the making. This resulted in Lawman gagging his way around the campfire until the inevitable launching at the launch took place right in the vicinity of young Luke who had imbibed in a bit too much Imperial Stout and was perched in the drivers seat and periodically hurling out the open door. The action didn’t stop there, back at the campground our fine young Scooter decided that alcohol made one impervious to the cold and having upgraded from last year’s front seat of a Subaru to a tent with queen size air mattress opted to forgo the sleeping bag until the morning. It was during this peaceful night under the stars that we were startled by what sounded like a human sacrifice to the Council Bluff gods. Turns out our beloved Coach, also having sample the Imperial Stout, has stumbled into the dark and proceeded to puke his guts out right at the foot of the good Dr’s hammock. One had to shudder at the thought of what was in store tomorrow if this was the pre non race partying.
Non Race Day, unlike the beautiful days of past, dawned with dark cloudy skies and the booming of thunder which caught moar than a few non racers sleeping in tents and hammocks sans rain flies. With Lawman and C-Dubbs brewing up the infamous bowel loosening Costa Rican java, the entertainment commenced with a flurry of camping equipment racing out of the woods into the waiting dry trunks and Scooter kicking off breakfast with the first of many icy cold PBRs.
With the rains over team Clouds of Jenkem (Dr/Stove/C-Dubbs) opted for a moar civilized variant of the infamous Braquito – the Stovequito. Cook up a couple strips of bacon then scramble up eggs in the sea of bacon grease until it has been fully absorbed, wrap in a soft shell taco and inhale.
With intestines filled to capacity from java and Stovequitos we were in top condition for a visit to the drug testing center for confirmation that any positives were cerebral and not performance enhancing.
Having successfully tested positive, Clouds of Jenkem did a final interpretation of the rules and, finding a loophole, put the finishing touches on their race strategy by consuming copious amounts of fine rye whiskey.
With serious racers such as D Wayne circling the parking lot strutting their stuff Clouds of Jenkem kicked back knowing no matter how fast anyone went they didn’t stand a chance against our overwhelming stench of intelligence. The start was signaled with Scooter crushing the last of a six pack and the potato gun ejaculating its load of starch skyward. As a courtesy we let the field take a 10 minute lead before enacting the master plan. With no rules on the number of riders out at any given time we elected to send the entire team out at once. Knowing we had already sealed victory before turning a pedal and with beers in pocket for a beach front social, we elected to take in the incredible view at the dam.
Arriving at the beach, with temps hovering in the mid 70s, the echo of numerous “Service” calls resounded across the lake as Team Seagal launched an all out bare assed assault on Council Bluff lake. Having secured the swimming barriers the beers flowed and any non racer that came by was treated to multiple “service calls”.
Having turned into water prunes and seeing D Wayne come by on his second lap we decided it was time to kit up complete the lap and establish a solid lead on the field. Back at the boat launch, with a firm lead, it was time to top off the tanks with some moar rye and a healthy serving of our favorite lunch – Chinese egg rolls. Enthralled with our lake adventures and at least 12 deep, Scooter kitted up, joined forces with Nico and Nadly on a vision quest to the lake. Heading out for our 4th, 5th and race winning 6th laps we witnessed the trail of destruction young Skeet was inflicting on the trees and rocks as he navigated lake ward. Catching him just before the dam, Clouds soldiered on and arrived for a long social on the bench with Nadly, Nico, Tittay and The Wizard of Mesa. Skeet’s arrival signaled it was time for another social swim and with Tittay wading in, a rather disgruntled fisherman let us know he was no to pleased that his wife was getting a show (must have had something to do with his wife’s comment “ they look like your penis only bigger”). Powering off over threats to call The Man once he had a signal (let’s see, by the time he hauled his boat out and drove to where there was a signal we would be long gone) we toasted him with our beers and served up any rider coming by.
Rolling into the boat launch with victory assured we got a good laugh as the irate fisherman was just pulling out. With Lawman seeming to have smoothed things over it was back to the usual chaos/partying until a couple of Iron County officers rolled in to access the situation.
In situations such as this there is only one thing to do – call on Lawman. Working his magic, and a PBR at the same time, several minutes of conversation later and Iron County’s finest gave a blast of the siren and flash of the lights as riders came out of the woods. This was followed up with a visit from the park ranger and more sweetness from Lawman to diffuse the situation.
With the party, I mean race, back in full swing next up on the visitor front were Hans and Franz on a pair of touring BMW cycles
With yet another successful non race in the books everyone that was smart stayed for the night and indulged in some fine partying. Unfortunately the attempt to get a spore inspired night ride to the summit failed.
Clearly upset with having missed the entertainment the texts from Coach arrived while en route to Casa de Toscani. Having mistaken our need for a good coffee, Nico broke out this most excellent bottle of Raspberry Coffee Stout which elicited this reaction from Coach
With numerous espressos and beers putting me right back into last nights warm fuzzy feeling Coach and Nico were kind enough to drop a slightly intoxicated C-Dubbs with the TSA agents for the flight home. Game, set, match – can’t wait for next year.
